Yeah, go ahead and clutch those fake white pearls of yours because I SAID WHAT I SAID! It is time for me to come out of the closet and be who I was created to be by the Divine himself.
I have known many of people who have stated that they grew up in a church and been a Christian all of their lives. I didn't grow up in a church with my mother, but I was definitely Forced not only to go to church but introduced into Christianity that was not presented to me on a gold platter by some other folks.
Now, let me make this real clear. I am not here to bash Christianity in no shape or form. It is not that I don't like Christianity, it's the contradictions, and the limited beliefs that comes with it that I don't like or agree with. Ya'll swear anything out of the Christianity religion is either demonic or beneath ya'll!! Christianity can be Gang Gang at time for no damn reason. I don't disrespect anyone's religion regardless if they are Jewish, Muslim, or Buddha. I wouldn't care if you were an atheist, just as long as you don't disrespect my beliefs, we good!
You see, I was a young girl born on the west side of Chicago where I practically was hood rich.
Yes, my family and I was living our best fawking lives!. I was a child that wasn't wanting for nothing. My family never attended church until a little later on in life and that was for a hot damn second! My mother believed in God and even bought me my first children's Bible, but that was the farthest it went. No, we didn't listen to gospel/inspirational music, but we listened to the spiritual and smooth sounds of Earth, Wind and Fire though. There were no worries, no stress, no fears or sadness in my home. Full meals were always served on a daily basis. Get togethers with family and friends was always a great time. It was definitely the good life! Then came a disruption in my life that will affect my life in many difficult ways.
My grandmother placed my brothers and I into foster care even after the fact when she knew my oldest uncle was on his way to come get us. Next thing, I knew there was a lady who came to take my baby brother who was 4 years old at the time and I who was 7 years old to our first of many foster homes. This is where it all started!
Her name was Rose, my first foster parent. A dark-skinned thick woman. I didn't care for her spirit at all. I felt the darkness from the time I walked into her house, but I also thought maybe I was just in fear of the unknown. I will soon find out later that my intuition was spot on. That this same lady who was a Christian and took me to church on Sundays while she sang and praise God will be the same lady that not only introduced me to church and Christianity, but also introduced me to physical child abuse! This woman beat me every chance she got with something that my mother would have never used even in her wildest dreams on any of her kids...an extension cord. She would locked me down in her basement on many occasions, where I truly believe that is how I became an introvert because I learned to cope with being by myself in that basement. I made that place that was meant for pure evil, my safe haven away from her. I even learned how to French braid my hair in that basement. This woman was pure evil, but yet a Christian!
Just when I thought I was free from this mad women, my brother and I was placed into another foster home with another so-called Christian family. Big Momma was a lady who only had her TV on the 700 Club, a Christian channel hosted by Pat Robertson. This woman was one of those all day and night church going folks and religious as hell, but didn't have a problem beating yo ass with an extension cord. I was like was the extension cord some poor black folks shit??!! I just couldn't understand the concept of beating a child especially when I can literally count on my one hand the times my mother had to spank me. This time not only did I have to suffer being in church all day, but I had to get baptized! If someone who have taken the time to asked me if I wanted to go to church especially after the Rose ordeal, I would have said Hell to the Nawl!! Do you want to get dumped into water? The answer again, Hell Nawl!! I guess kids don't have a say so because they are living under your roof, right? I never liked church. I never felt my place in church. Something just didn't sit right with me. The only thing I liked was the music, then after that I went to sleep during the sermon. Yes, I got in trouble on many occasions for sleeping or playing in church.
Fast forward, after 4 foster homes later and being molested in the last one, honey I was church the fawk out!! I finally was released back to my mother and the next time I saw a church was a couple of years later on my graduation day!! My family and I had moved into a high-rise on the 21st floor overlooking the Chicago's Skyline and Lake Michigan. I went to one of the top schools on the south side; Walter H. Dyett and my older brother was finishing up at Hyde Park High school. Life was good again! After all, my mother went through I never saw my mother struggled to pay the rent and the bills. She never walked into the house yelling turn off these lights or turn down the heat or the air because you are running up my bill. She just paid the fawking bill!!!! My brothers and I got straight E's and G's on our report cards. Our refrigerator and deep freezer was always overflowing. We had so much food that we were able to share with many of our company that came over to our house after school. We were typical kids and we obeyed our mother rules especially the "Be in my house before the street lights came on" and she would still be at work! We wore the latest fashion and again we was not wanting for nothing! No church, not even a Bible in sight! Now as we got older in our young adult lives, yes things became challenging for us, not because we didn't attend church, not because we weren't Christians or because we were of the world, but due to the wrongful things that were instilled into us out of our mother's care!
Now, I am not saying I didn't learn anything or I didn't love church because my relationship with God started in church. I knew He existed, but I didn't have a relationship with him. When I moved to Atlanta, I did come connected to a good church in 2009 with amazing pastors who actually took the time to teach me to read and learn the Bible. I learned a few of the basic foundations of how to pray and speak faith confessions over my life. I went to church and served faithfully and I paid my tithes for almost 10 years. But, starting in the year of 2018, I started feeling a pull. I started to begin to get that "Something just don't sit right with me" feeling. Although I accomplished some great achievement in my life you know as a published author, a life coach and speaker but I still felt as if I was trying to live up to the expectations of what Christianity supposed to look like for me. I have to look this way or act this certain way. You can't do this or you can't do that because that is not Christian like. I started feeling drained from my energies picking up frequency of other people's energy and seeing the phoniness and the cliquish BS in the church to the point I didn't want to be present in the church. Believe it or not, it's so much competition inside the church that it is ridiculous. I would just watch the service online. I only came to church when I had to serve, then I completely stopped that. For a minute, I thought it was the enemy trying to get me to stop going to church, but nope my time was just up. I just didn't know how to go about it without feeling guilty, ashamed and in fear that God wasn't going to provide and protect me anymore.
In 2019, I mentally left the church, but I couldn't physically do it yet. Although I joined another church when I moved back to Chicago. I loved the pastors and the church, but I still struggled with being present there mentally and spiritually. I had began building an altar for me to meditate with God and my spirit guides. The more I meditated in silence with God, the more my relationship with Him heightened. I started to reflect on some things about my past and what was currently going on in my life at that time. When I moved back home to Atlanta after eight months in Chicago, that's when a complete shift came about. I remained to watch church online and continued to pay my tithes. I began to dig deeper on why I was struggling with certain areas in my life. Why I wasn't as fearless as I used to be? Why I am so judgmental now? Why I don't feel free? Why I feel limited? It didn't make sense to me. Then I began asking God and my spirit guides two questions; 1. What is that you need for me to know? 2. What is that you need for me to do? After a couple of months of being at my altar doing my daily routine, I finally started getting my answers. I didn't need to be connected to a church and I definitely didn't need to be a Christian to be connected to God! I even found out that even Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior wasn't even a Christian!!! So, when I received that proven answer, I had no problem finally walking away from something, I have been struggling with all of my life! I then starting receiving more revelations and everything just started to click.
In the past before I started going to church, I was into astrology and horoscopes. I was able to read people just by observing them. I was able to predict the gender of an unborn child or able to know when someone was pregnant by just smelling them. I remembered telling two women that they smelled like pregnancy milk. I didn't understand how I knew and I didn't know at the time it was a spiritual gift. I was also able to look at pictures and was able to predict the outcome (like if a woman post a picture of her and her new boo, I can predict if the relationship is going to last or not). I am a person who has vivid dreams, visions and premonitions that usually always comes to past. I love tarot readings. I used to love watching TV shows like Charmed and The Ghost Whisperer. One of my favorite movies to this day is Eve's Bayou. One of my greatest gifts that I recently learned is that I am a Manifestor; I can manifest anything I want through visualizations, my thoughts and words! But, when I started church, everything that I loved and was gifted with by The Divine above was considered demonic and was not honored by the Divine (God), so I stopped due to fear of going to hell!
I never knew really anything about being in fear of something. The two things I was in fear of was, 1. Getting my ass whooped and 2. Getting bit by a dog. otherwise, whatever I wanted and put my mind too, I got it rather if it was good or bad for me. I manifested it! I didn't worried about trials and tribulations, hell to be truthful, if I did faced some form of trial and tribulations, it didn't bothered me at all. If I didn't know shit else, I knew I was a strong ass woman who had survived many of things, so I would conquer that problem quickly. Money wasn't no problem for me. I was a bonified hustler that didn't lack nothing. I graduated from nursing school, I drove nice cars, my home was nicely furnished, I went on nice vacations and my kids attended private schools and even had a nanny and I did all of this while making much less than I do now!! Now, did I do somethings that was not good or made jack up choices and decisions? Hello Kitty Yes! Who the hell has not! My struggles and challenges with self-love, self-worth and self-hate, did not come from not attending church or not being a Christian, it was because of the painful and hurtful things I experienced as a young girl that began to take affect on my personal life! Point blank! Ya'll about to be to be mad and probably want to nail me to the cross, but oh well, here it goes.....I didn't fear nothing until I started church. I didn't face trails and tribulations until I went to church. I never struggled with my finances. Now I admit I was not a great steward with my money, but I never struggled to pay my bills, rent and keep food in the refrigerator until I started church. I never worried, stressed and cried so much in my damn life, until I started church. I never heard people give so much credit to the damn devil until I went to church. I didn't give a damn about that negro!! I knew he didn't like my ass and I made sure to piss him off every chance I got!! I didn't judge anyone because I knew that was not my place, until I started church. And to be honest, I didn't feel like I needed to fit in with anyone. I was Chontate aka Ms. Chady and I did what I wanted on my own terms and conditions until I went to church! Christianity didn't teach me self-love. Christianity didn't tell me to go get counseling to address my past issues. Christianity didn't teach me self-development or self-discovery. God did all of that because my relationship is and will always be with Him. When God instructed me to do things to elevate and become a better version of myself I wasn't sitting in no church. I was either at home, a lot of times while I was sitting on the toilet. ( Don't act like I am the only one who experience this) or out and about. It's the truth though!
Again, I am not here to bash the church or deter someone from their beliefs/religion, I am just sharing with you my honest truth and why it was best for me to walk away from the two things that wasn't meant for me in the first place; Church and Christianity. Everyone is entitled to their very own life of freedom of their choice. This choice is mines and my choice is really the only thing that matters.
Moving forward, since I left Christianity started my Spiritual journey, I never felt peace and freedom like I do now. I am creating the life that I want to experience without the need of being a person with an off/on switch. No expectations or restrictions, just me being a woman who loves to use cuss words eloquently. As long as I am not cussing at my kids, that's my business! A woman who enjoys the sounds of Mother Nature while drinking wine or tea from her patio. A woman who loves the relaxing and calming effects and those lucid dreams from her herbal smokes. A woman who can be rough around the edges at times, but keeps it smooth. A woman who will tell your ass like it is with no sugar coating or short cuts, but is kind and loving and thinks with her heart. A woman who will have your dying laughing because of her great sense of humor. A woman who is valuable and add value to others daily. A woman who worship God and honors the essence rays and energies of the Sun, the Moon and the Universe that He created. Living my life without limited beliefs. Oh and my money, baby I got three different accounts and money flows to me effortlessly and easily. I am a money magnet. I don't pay tithes either and God still provides more than enough and protect me!!! My life is more amazing than I've ever imagined and this Universe is more beautiful than I have ever realized. The air around me is charged with happiness and good luck and my vibration is heightened such that I no longer bear witness to fear, drama or trauma, but instead see the incredible generosity of God and support of the Universe everywhere I go. I am fully aware of the negative forces/powers but I can feel the presence of my benevolent guides who walks with me to guide and protect me. I am grateful to know, to feel and to understand my position as a child of the Divine. I will prosper in all my ways. I know who I am and whose I am. And I don't have to be a Christian! Look at that!!!
Until then My Loves,
Speak your Truth. Walk your Truth. Live out in your Truth.
If you want to purchase my Award-nominated Best-selling memoir Passed Around by Man but Not Passed Over by God that will give you the whole run down about them folks above and of course Me, just go to SHOP to purchase download of the eBook at www.chontatebrown.com/shop